Grand Awakening
by angelsdarla
Summary: A certain vampire's thoughts after everything he knows is stripped away. Even his dreams. Forgiving Fic. Season Three POV


Title: Awakening  
  
Author: angelsdarla13  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Category: Angst  
  
Feedback: Yes Please. It's always appreciated  
  
Spoilers: Season three up through Forgiving  
  
Distribution: If you'd like any of my stories, please ask! Disclaimer: You know the drill. I'm not Joss, I don't own the characters, ME and all those other networks do. I'm writing this for fun and I unfortunately receive no profit. Don't sue.  
  
Feedback: "To coin a popular Sunnydale phrase: Well Duh." Yes, Please!!! It means a lot to an author when readers take the time to comment. I want to know if you enjoy my stories, and if you hate them. that's great too! Just tell me how to make it better.  
  
**Author's note** This is kind of a repost in the sense that I used the same title and a few of the same lines as a former fic of mine. The story is totally revamped and nearly unrecognizable from my previous Forgiving POV, so I figure that labeling this a repost isn't fair.  
  
Also: Special thanks to LadyAngel1387 for the inspiration.  
  
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They're watching me, silent questions springing to their stunned lips. Wesley's room is closed behind us and eyes frantically search my deflated form- accusations and outrage soil my worn figure.  
  
I turn around before Fred and Gunn process their anger. Before they demand answers to thoughtless questions I can't reply on. I don't need this.  
  
Wesley deserved it. Throat and all.  
  
Conner didn't.  
  
I sprint across the dim corridor, my footsteps barely audible upon the placid floor. The remnants of my family follow my retreat in despair. They want to understand why.  
  
Why would the Watcher betray us? Why would I betray him?  
  
Why does my life suck beyond the telling of it?  
  
I wish I knew. I don't have the answers to any of it. Not tonight, but maybe tomorrow. Probably never. My grief has driven me away from them once again. So much has happened in the past week, so many shed tears. All in vain.  
  
I turn suddenly; cast my sight across the hospital lobby, glance at my family in all but name. I see Fred's chin tremble unchecked, Gunn's proud shoulders shag with pity. Pity for himself. Pity no doubt for me. Pity for the family Conner left in ashes.  
  
I know they'll try hard, Fred will fight to hold together our ragged group. The 5 friends who would jump dimensions for each other, the group she met only a year ago.  
  
And yet, there are only three of us now. Soon to be two.  
  
I stop for one moment and in that fraction of a second my muddled brain produces something other than the rage I entered the room with. A deep sorrow slowly replaces the cry for vengeance.  
  
In that instant I knew, Fred would inevitably fail. We were shattered and would so remain.  
  
******  
  
It doesn't take long before I'm outside, a spring breeze causing leaves to dance across my path. I shiver involuntarily- a human pattern left unrepressed. Of course I can't feel the wind, can't decipher between the warmth of the moonlight and the dark chill of the shadows. I'm indifferent.  
  
It never used to bother me. I had a family, a son, and a future that didn't always revolve around demons and darkness; for the first time in three years I was happy.  
  
It didn't last; it never does.  
  
I can't even feel sorry for myself- I should have known that everything would crumble that nothing gold could stay. I wasn't meant to live as human. I shouldn't shiver. I should brave the emptiness. I know that now, always knew. . . I shouldna' let myself forget.  
  
I just wanted laughter and puppies and white picket fences. I was just tired of hiding in the shadows. It gets lonely in the dark.  
  
I'm tired of being a thing.  
  
The light's coming. Dawn.  
  
******************  
  
For the first time in 24 hours tears begin to fall, sliding ever so slowly down my cheek. I've stopped running now. It's pointless when you've got nothing to run to.  
  
I've given more then there was too take, and now I'm stripped bare. I thought Conner might just stick around. Yes, he would be different. The world wouldn't take him too.  
  
Can you say reality check?  
  
I should have known they'd get him, just like I should have known Wes was planning something. His downfall was rapid but not unnoticeable. He was just different. Irritable. Isolated. Like me.  
  
Should have known. I might have comforted him, done something to ease the confusion. Shoulda' woulda' coulda'. I'm saying that a lot these days.  
  
It's not all his fault. Still, I can't forgive him. I never will.  
  
I think I'm laughing now. . . hysterical giggles become shrill sobs. Passerby's avoid my path, their eyes furrow in sympathy. I don't care. If I end my flagellation binge it will all be real. Blood and friends and rivals and sorrow- all a reality. I know that every dream I dreamed was shattered.  
  
[I]I dreamed a dream, but now that dream is gone from me.[/I]  
  
The child is gone, but I can't except that. Not tonight. For now I'll continue to watch humanity through my private looking glass. Watch them live and grow. Watch them shrink and die. I'll stare at the innocents who don't see the dark. I know now that reality will always dominate the fantasy of a better world.  
  
Try as I might, I no longer care for that world. A world without Conner. That better place will never exist.  
  
I suppose that's the lesson, the morale of the goddamned comedy that is my life. I. Can't. Win. I convinced myself that I could put right that which once went wrong. I could save humanity from the evil I faced every day-, and retain my son in the process. I dreamt of a world where I could finally rest in peace.  
  
It took a fake prophecy, forged by an unknown foe. A mistake, ultimately unforgivable, by a former friend. A fanatical demon hunter and a portal to Hell..  
  
For me to wake up.  
  
Fin.  
  
Questions? Comments? Please review, and thanks for reading!  
  
Little Quote From the Matrix; reloaded. 


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